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My main problem is not the sickness, though the present problem is adrenal fatigue. This is due to stress in my mind, overwork and a burnout I had working too hard in God's work and personal life. But this again is not the main reason I am writing. My problems have been spiritual, I used to walk very close to God when I was a pastor's wife in Romania, where my husband planted a church. An experience happened when God told me to repent of lies that I was used to saying, because of my background before becoming a Christian, and He told me to confess my lies to those I lied to. I got scared to do it and was not yet willing to do it. In that panic, I tried to pray but God's presence was nowhere to be found, that was a killer for me as I was so used to feeling it all the time. I got extremely scared of God, with a wrong kind of scare and in the end I said yes. I got a bit more piece but I remained with a fright of God and felt I could not approach Him like I did before. I entered into a lot of condemnation and felt if I did not perform in confessing to different people that I was no longer right with God and would go to hell. I went numerous times in the front of the church to re-give my life to Jesus as I felt I was not saved any longer. I never knew when I was pleasing to God fully anymore and when or if I was saved. I lived in constant fear. That made me run away from God in the heart, though I still continued to follow and obey Him, but it was mostly out of fear. Over time this developed into something where I thought God was not good anymore and He seemed distant and cold and I would feel like staying afar from Him and serve Him from distance for fear of going to hell. I lost the love I had for Him and I would try from time to time to 'repent' and come back to my first love and make a special effort and it would normally last only a few weeks and it was as if I could not continue, something in me felt like hurt by God and that hurt pulled me away from Him. Even so, I still could communicate with Him, hear His voice very precisely many times for myself or for others and had quite a number of miracles in my emotions and finances. But I never fully come out of this. I ended up fully into performing for Jesus, to the point that I worked so hard in starting the 2 tv stations and at other times that I have had 3 severe burnouts in 10 years. This has affected my husband and my children and probably God's work. I am trying to get away from this performance orientation and trust that God is good and wants to give me a good life, I am submitted to Him, but I struggle to experience His presence. I even had severe thoughts troubling me to give up and not believe in God anymore. Yet I am called by God to ministry and I am sure the devil wants to destroy me. I deep down want to be right with God and I feel love for Him, but there are other things on top of that that seem to work hard to drive me away from Him. I make some progress and then go backwards.I think I need deliverance. I have suffered from depression and anxiety this time around due to the burnout. I was told by God that an enemy attack will come against me because of the start of the channel in the Philippines and 2 weeks later all hell broke loose - I got a blocked sinus infection that hurt enormously, I had problems with tenants with police in my boarding house, another house was half full of termites, a pet died, my children were both sick half a term - all of this while my husband was overseas trying to start the Christian TV channel. I went to the Philippines sick, ended having an operation there, one of my children had pneumonia and the channel got started but when I returned I suddenly had a burnout with extreme fatigue, depression and anxiety. I want to be free from whatever oppresses me, I feel I was followed all my life by something stopping me to go to my best in God, except for the first 3 years in Jesus.
August 14, 2015
pray that i am doing gods will not mine and pray for my husband that god will show him the way to make it and pay the bills and most inportant that God will become so real to him and for mu husband be filled with the holly spirit.God knows him and what I am talking about Please pray for my husband and family to be saved and to take care of them and help them and my husband show them the way to pay the bills and keep their place to live.God knows their names.I only want prayer for myself that for once im doing what God is calling me to do and give me peace about it so I will know its him not me.For I will I pray its him sending me a way for a while to get to know him better .So please pray for my husband and as God changes me that he helps and changes my husband and kids.Please God help them
April 22, 2015
Please pray for my friend S who is in jail. Pray for his protection. Pray that God would give him hope, as he just lost his mother.
April 8, 2015
please pray for my marriage
April 8, 2015

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